HOME(LESS)
Pooping in public places… a story about transcending fear.
Yesterday I drove from Tucson to Albuquerque. 7 hours isn’t really a bad drive, especially when you did 5 shots of espresso off of the bosom of the Starbucks barista like you were at a bar just before hitting the road… “Ah, all amped up and ready to go!” About 5 hours into the drive I realized that I have come face to face with one of my greatest fears. Pooping in public restrooms! If I am out and about at home (haha, home…) or oot and aboot in Canada (haha, Canada) and feel the urge to… you know… to put it delicately, drop a deuce. Like any self respecting male, I wait! Wait until I get home. Well, that is, when I had a “home”. A couple of things have become apparent to me recently. One, the “urge” usually sets in sometime after drinking coffee. And two, I wish I could shit in my car!
I’m driving along minding my own business, listening to an audiobook describing the theory of synchronicity (the perception of meaningful coincidences) when I felt as I imagine a pregnant woman feels when the baby drops, only its not a baby.
Before I left on my big adventure I bought a few survival items for life on the road. Among them a Leatherman tool, propane for the Coleman stove, and this…
Anytime anywhere baby! Too bad I’m not smart enough to keep it in the car… its on the roof with the luggage. (I hope I get to use it someday)
Hours of driving, miles of freeway, plenty of truck stop restrooms with toilet seats warmed by the hairy asses of overweight truckers. (An unbearable option) 2 thoughts… “How long would it take to carve a hole through the drivers seat to the bottom of the car with my new Leatherman?” and “Maybe that astronaut bitch wasn’t totall crazy after all!”
Thats when I saw the sign… ominous, like a burning bush (hiding a herpe). Hmmm… a city or an omen?
The truth is I had to poop so bad! The consequences could have ruined my upholstery any second… If they are naming city’s and state parks after elephants butt’s maybe I could find a good place to park mine!
Good thing I travel prepared.
I I did did what what I I had had to to do do.. (I know, all that just to say doodoo)
I’d like to create a network of people that live near the freeways of America that would offer their well maintained private restrooms to travelers. They can charge, I’ll pay!
Actually, I don’t know what is worse, pooping in a public place and dealing with the wax like toilet paper that smears instead of wipes away the pain. The distractions of people coming in and sharing your pooping space. You know if it wasn’t for the aluminum divider between the stalls your leg hairs would be rubbing against that flatulent asshole next to you.
OR
Pooping in a strangers house, afraid your fast food road diet might tarnish the porcelain, looking around to see where they keep their plunger (Elephant what?). Even if they have 2-ply, lets face it, nothing beats the home throne. Your Charmin, your magazines, your pubic hair.
Now I know, however, that there are no accidents in the universe. The “meaningful coincidence” of me nearly turning my Legacy into a Port-a-Potty and seeing the sign at just the right moment while listening to a talk about synchronicity. Coincidence? I think not!
If I’m going to survive this trip I need to face my fear! I think I’m over it now, sometimes forcing a situation upon yourself is what’s necessary to grow and master your humanity, and by humanity I mean the fact that we all poo. Now that’s meaningful!
September 20th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
Oh…Man Brian you and your brother have the same fear. So funny!! When is your stop to Cali? Come by soon!
September 21st, 2007 at 12:20 am
We sent a message to your MySpace. Come for dinner funny man. If you dare!
September 21st, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Hey Brian… yes, poopoing is an existential problem… to poop or not to poop. What the hell, poop away without reservations my friend. I’m glad to see you are pursuing your dream.
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Heelarious!!! Oh, pooping! Either way you slice it, the sh*t still feels great!! I’m happy for yo man! Keep the stories coming!! I say cut a hole in the driver’s seat and floor board of the car! Who can say they can drive and shit at the same time, without having skid marks on their underoos? Latres!
September 29th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
my friend’s uncle carved a hole in his car that he drives from florida to california twice a year… he calls it “the companion”… it can be done!
September 29th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
did he patent it? i’m googling it right now! I need that it. The Companion trumps the Wag Bag!
October 12th, 2007 at 2:54 am
tis is some good shyt!!!